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The Ask

 

    Happy Bacchus Sunday/Joe Cain Day to all who celebrate! Here we are, on the last Sunday of the Mardi Gras season. Here in Mobile, there were fears that it would be a rainy day, but the storms rolled through overnight and now it's sunny and breezy- perfect weather for everyone going to the parades today. We'll be sticking close to home, getting chores done and making some ramen for late lunch.

    Today, I'm basking in the peace that comes from having made a big ask that I've been dreading for a couple of months. A warning in advance: this is going to be pretty vague, because there's still a lot of details to work out, but what I want to focus on is the ask itself, rather than what I was requesting. If all goes to plan, I'll have awesome news to share soon!

    Those of you who know me, know how much I hate to ask for help. For example, when I was moving from New Orleans to Baton Rouge, my movers fell through, and I had to ask for friends and family to assist in my move. By the time said friends and family arrived to help, I'd moved every single box down three flights of stairs to the hallway of my building. The only things that remained in the apartment were my bed and dresser, the two things that I was physically incapable of moving myself. I don't want to put anyone out. I don't want anyone to think of me as "needy." 

    This tendency to not ask for help also bleeds into other things. I'm not good at articulating what I want. When someone asks what I want to do, I'm likely to turn it back around and inquire what the other person would like to do. What they might be hungry for. Where they might like to go. 

    This weird people-pleasing, self-denying tendency is not something to be proud of. I've been working on it in therapy for years, and I'm still garbage at asking for things, for help, for what I want. Every single time I've asked for assistance, for what I want or need, for anything, I've found that people are incredibly receptive. They're willing to help me. They're willing to go where I'd like to go, check out the things I want to check out, or eat the food I'm hungry for. This is not a them problem. This is a me problem.

    A couple of months ago, I came up with a good idea. This idea would solve problems for not just me, but other people I love. So I floated this idea to B., who thought it was amazing, and that I should definitely make the ask. I floated this idea to my brother, who also thought it was a great idea. And then I ruminated about all the ways this could go wrong. For months, I played out how this conversation could go poorly. All the ways I'd let everyone down if it didn't end positively. All the ways I should not, under any circumstances, get too excited about this actually working out. Just this week, B. asked when I thought I'd have this conversation. "I don't know!" I said, flapping my hands around.

    Turns out, I had that conversation last night. Weirdly, the whole thing came about very naturally. One of the people that would benefit most from this idea was complaining about the very thing I have the solution for. So I took a deep breath, forgot everything I'd planned to say, and just made the ask. They were surprised, I think, but immediately said, "really? That could be great. We should talk some more about that."

    So easy. So not worth the hours of rumination and angst. And really, what would have been the worst thing that could have happened? They could have said, "no. I don't think that would work for me." At which point, I would have been exactly where I am right now, only with more information. I would have been able to make other plans based on the information I now had in hand. No big deal. I love a plan B. Hell, I love making sure there's also a plan C.

    What I'm trying to say is, I apparently have to learn things the hardest way, every single time. Also, sometimes, it's worth it to just ask and see what happens. 

    

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