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The Perimenopausal Meanies

 

    I don't know, y'all. It's a billion degrees outside, and there is no breeze. This is my 21st summer in the deep south, so it's not like I don't know what to expect. It's going to be hot and humid and uncomfortable. I'm never going to be completely dry. My hair doubles in volume every five minutes I'm outside until I start looking like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons. So I wear natural fibers in very loose configurations, and try not to worry about how sweaty I look constantly. I drink all the water I can get my hands on.

     At least, that's how I used to cope. This summer is a completely different beast, because I'm deep into perimenopause now. I have hot flashes that make me feel like I'm a human volcano. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. My new baseline is 'uncomfortable and cranky.' Add in a typical summer in the south, and I'm wandering around feeling vaguely homicidal all the time.

     Last night was an awful night of sleep. I managed to string together about four hours of rest through all the sweaty tossing and turning. Beanie sleeps about 18 hours a day, so she was fresh as a daisy at 5:15 this morning. It was time for breakfast! It was time for a good sniff around the backyard. So we did our normal morning routine, and I thought maybe we could just go back to sleep. I thought wrong. 

    I tried not to take it personally when B and Beanie fell asleep next to me on the sofa not two hours later. The jealousy coursing through me made me want to scream and throw things. I guess the only mature thing I've done all day was to not scream or throw pillows. What I did instead: cried as I made myself some toast. Tried (and mostly failed) to explain that I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated that I can't sleep and no other living being in this house has this problem.

    I have a serious case of the perimenopausal meanies. I want everyone to feel as miserable as I do, which is a frankly terrible wish. I swear, if they can't sort out my hormones at my next doctor appointment, I'm going to have to look into finding a hermitage in a forest somewhere so I'll stop being mean to everyone around me. 

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